trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
