i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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