when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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