If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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