Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
