dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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