Screwed.edu
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
