Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
and she was petting her beer can
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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