cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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