So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
