every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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