now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I would fuck him just for his dog
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
