Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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