Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
True strength comes from lack of pants
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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