if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
