I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
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you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
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what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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