I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
