Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
