My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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