just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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