You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
