Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
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New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
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after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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