I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
