I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
