that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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