If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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