so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
