I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
