i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
