Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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