Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
