Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
