Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
