I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
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I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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