She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
