just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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