her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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