He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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