Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
