that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
