I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
