Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
