is your mom at the bar?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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