why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
barbara walters just said penis...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Randomize
