My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
