I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
