Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
