I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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