No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
