Someone shit on the floor
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
