this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
