I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
