apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
someone owes me an orgasm
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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