you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
