And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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