I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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