Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
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The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
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She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize