he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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