just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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