if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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