Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She needs sedatives and a leash
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
